Mrrello, I'm Bonnie Underfoot, aka The Attack Tabby. I'm not quite 9 years old and I run a household with two adult humans and a boy I've raised since he was a klutzy toddler. I work hard managing these lesser beings. They are so difficult to train! But my hard work has paid off in good food, a warm bed with a fluffy blanket, daily treats, and a relatively clean litter box. They even bought me my own water fountain so I didn't have to wait and wait and wait in the sink for them. A little fetching when I was younger, and I had them wrapped around my tail.
Or so I thought... I slacked off for a moment in late October, and a young tabby named Victor presumed to adopt MY woman! He entered MY home without MY permission. And he's STAYED! This is MY house, which I have faithfully defended from many offensive, invading humans who claim to be "friends" of my people. I've completely intimidated a pair of so-called Cat Sitters. I've protected my humans against a number of door-to-door salesmen. I even made someone allergic to cats sneeze with just a recording of my voice. I may have no front claws, but I can growl, hiss, swat, and bite. So I do.
What has cowed many silly human beans has no effect
on that silly Cow Cat. Victor is 1 now and thinks he's something special, climbing all over stuff and snuggling my woman at every opportunity. I've told him what I think, but he won't listen. He doesn't even fight back! He's such a suck-up. He makes me very
upset and I'm not
letting my staff forget what they've done to ME. Most recently, I finally deigned to touch him and sort of... pushed him down the stairs. It was quite satisfying, but the stoopid youngster liked
it. I thought they'd make him leave when he climbed on the counters and stole food off their plates, but NO!
My staff, MY
staff, forgive him. I'm so ashamed.
Ok, back to ME, not HIM
. Besides the fluffy blanket, my favoritest place to sleep is my puter chair. I have my man use it just enough to keep it properly scented and tenderized, then I make him leave it for me all day and all night. You could call it my throne, from which I manage the house. I don't do laps. I don't snuggle. I don't even really like people touching me at all, but when I need a belly rub, my man knows how to do it right. That's his reward for proper behavior.
My favorite treats are Temptations, salmon from the people's plates, and of course, catnip. I have them grow it for me near my house so I can get it fresh. Hence, my membership in Catnip Anonymous. I had
a favorite fluffy crinkle ball, but Victor stole it and slobbered on it. Yuck. He hasn't stolen my catnip mat or my pink mousy. Those are MINE. MINE, I tell you! Next that little brat will be joining MY tabby club, too. He's more white than tabby; he shouldn't be allowed.
Yes, I'm grumpy and irritable, but I enjoy
being grumpy and irritable. Deal with it.