Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Like Water For Chocolate (Tabbies)

Dear everyone,

this is Chocolate Tigress, possibly the most beautiful cat in the House of CatDonna. I say "possibly" because it makes me sound slightly more modest, and it gives the other ragtag moggies here some faint, vain hope of perhaps surpassing my terribly good looks one day.

Beat this, losers!

Not that it is likely to happen. My maddening beauty is like a large, gloriously luxuriant apple tree. In comparison, some scrawny miserable mog's poor looks are about as withered and insignificant as a pip. But let's not go there.

Does my beauty make me arrogant and grasping? Perhaps it does, but you love me for it, don't you. Blame it all on my deprived kittenhood: before my rescue, I was a skinny underfed [albeit in an endearing, Kate-Mossy, homeless chic way] stray kitten begging for scraps in a dingy coffeeshop.

So now that I can have anything I want, I'll take it all, baby.

Yes, actually, this is my bed. Since you asked.

Including a drink that the woman had, next to her elbow, while she was marking some examination scripts at home earlier this week. I was sauntering up and down the study perfecting my already perfect catwalk, and feeling the thirst from all that hard work posturing.

It was a bowl full of something that looked like a light consomme of sorts. Mmm, soup. So I sashayed over and took a deep, grateful lick.

Then everything went black for a while.

When I regained consciousness I was moaning quietly in a corner, my lush fur bristling like 80's punk mohawks never went out of fashion. [Thank God the 80's retro styles are still in.]

The stupid woman was hunched over like the freakishly ugly double-chinned Quasimodo she is, laughing at me. When she finally stopped long enough to talk, I was informed that I apparently:
  • Said "AAIIEEEEE"
  • Leapt about a foot in the air
  • Did kung fu chops with all four legs in every direction
  • Shook my head furiously going "HHAAACCCKKKK KKOOOFFFF GAAARRRGGHH"
  • Ran, frothing at the mouth, into a corner where I started moaning

It wasn't soup, it was a herbal remedy of sorts. And it was. Very. Bitter.

I hate the woman sometimes. All the other times she drank water, but this time I'm sure she put this poison out to trick me.

But that's life, isn't it? Someone said it was like a box of Chocolate.

Only one Chocolate but I'm all you need, honey

Ah well. I'm still gorgeous.
Off I go to think some more beautiful thoughts, probably on the human's bed or the woman's favourite clothing.
Love you all, my darling darrrling readers.

ps - This post originated from CatDonna's Cats. Sharing is Caring, people!

It's tough being perfect, you know